May is for Mothers

My Happy Mother's Day!

I know this is a week late and it is not because I didn't have a great Mother's day because I did - I was properly spoiled! It was the gift I got that I didn't expect, that is turning into the one I will treasure forever. It came on the Monday after but I have been waiting for this particular gift for 21 years... I know it seems like such a long time to wait for something but honestly I didn't know I was waiting for it. My sweet sister sent it to me and I am so very thankful for it I don't have the right words to describe how much it means to me. Letters... such a lost form of communication, but what she sent me were letters not from her, not to her but letters that my Mother wrote to her best friend over the time span from 1971, right after she married my Dad with the last one dated at Christmas of 1988, just 4 months before she passed away. There is quite a stack of them and so this past week in May just days after Mother's day I got to know my Mom- what a gift! Imagine the way you talk to your best friend... the comfort of knowing that the words are never shared with others, never used against you... you are safe to say how you feel. Honest that is how I talk with my friends... the ones I hold the dearest know me the best both the good and the not so good. So that is what these pieces of her history, written in her own cursive handwriting hold, the anticipation and joy at the births of 3 girls, the disappointment of not being able to have a son, the joy of her marriage and some of the rather funny "disagreements" she had with my Dad. I know this is a rare gift to get to know her this way. There are gaps in dates where I can trace back babies being born, children starting school, and other things that take us away from our ability to maintain friendships like we would like to. But there are stories in there I would never have known, her perspective on things like getting older, how she handled some of my Dad's larger, more busy Church callings, the challenge it was to have a special needs daughter that she loved so much but found difficulty with and the feelings after receiving bad news from her doctor. The last letter in the stack is from her other best friend, the one she met later in life but loved as much, it tells the story of the last few days of my Mother's life, a story I have never been brave enough to ask to be told, I was not allowed to visit at the end, a 10-year old mind isn't meant to understand all things and my Dad in his infinite wisdom knew better than me, though I fought him at the time. This letter tells me of her faith, and her love of the Savior and her peace with our Heavenly Fathers plan which had her leaving our family far earlier than she wanted too. I was 10 days from my 11th birthday when my mother passed away... my birthday is at the beginning of May and Mother's day falls shortly after each and every year, there have been times in my life where this has felt a bit like a cruel joke. But as the years have passed and I have had the chance to have my own marriage and children the day has become less about what I am missing and more about all that I have.

My Mother

I will be forever thankful to all the "Mothers" in my life who were examples to me of the Mother I wanted to be by simply being the Mothers they were. I learned it from all sorts of places; I learned it by the gentle way they loved and taught their daughters, my friends, and I learned it from the way they loved me. I learn it still from the mothers I am surrounded by. They amaze me by their love, commitment, loyalty and ability to put their families needs above their own. They give so much and I am thankful for the little piece of them I receive because I am better for it. While my Mom passed away far too early, I have learned that I am like her in many ways - the things I like the best about myself come from her and I will be forever thankful that she had a friend that she loved enough to take a minute to write a letter too so I could get to know her.